I am an alienator, at times in the past you felt a chill wind blow through you when my moods changed as I raged and then sweet talked you to smooth the ripples in your growing awareness. My mind is distorted but the projection of shadows causes you to believe it is yours which has failed you. Eventually you came to believe that it was you and not I who was crazy. You shivered as I turned down the gas light.
The Alienator
I am easily spotted by those who know me but invisible to those who do not. You will spend your time, your energy and money telling them I am behind this whilst I smile and continue to shred the trust our children once held in you. I am an alienator even when I do not know it and the failure to see the shadows I cast in the projections I throw onto you, is the fault of a system so blinded by bias it is frozen like the minds of our children, the children being harmed right under the noses of those who should know how to help them but sadly, do not.
I have never seen my nightmare so perfectly worded, described in detail! I have never understood how so many others are so blinded by alienators. I shared this to my blog so my followers can see exactly what it is I have been trying to explain. Thank you!
What a spot on account of the alienator. I also loved reading the comments, gave me an idea for the next post on my blog courtcollision.blogspot.com (the alien will eventually alienate themselves). I pray for this daily. I will add a link to this post so more can learn, thanks.
I want to contact or find the alienator. I want her to know the truth. I want her to know what she's destroying. Everyone has their own version of what is truth and even if you refrain from pointing blame, her perception or your MLCer's perception may see it as blameful.
Maybe you believe the alienator is not aware of what she is doing. You think that though she knows she's seeing a married man, she can delude herself with the fantasy since she does not have the experience of your pain. You want her to know about your MLCer's lies. How he breaks his promises. What is your motive? If you are not Standing, are you trying to be a Good Samaritan by warning her? Or are you trying to destroy her relationship--as she destroyed yours. What good will contacting the alienator do you? Even if you are honorably trying to warn her, consider that as the jilted spouse you may not be considered a credible source. Hey, I wouldn't want the alienator to marry him and live happily ever after either. I would feel joyously vindicated if there was a break up--even many years later. But that reveals my weakness, not my strength. I will admit to having such a wish and yet it is something which lowers me to their level and for that I pray not only for the alienator but for myself. I pray to forgive her. I don't have to like her, but by forgiving I release my Self.
What do you know about the alienator? What was her motivation for having an affair with your MLCer? Most alienators know the guy is married, so the odds are that this woman was not innocent. She is a home wrecker who tried to steal your husband and who may still be trying to steal him.
You need to determine your level of need for this. What sort of an impression will it make on you? If the contact is indirect--text, voice, postal or email, the alienator may never acknowledges receipt of the communication or may say nothing beyond acknowledgment. Then you can leave it to your imagination. But what if she reacts directly at you? What happens to your fantasy? What if she retaliates? What if she threatens you? What if she taunts you? What if she negatively references your parenting skills and your children? Will you be able to handle such possibilities? Understand that by initiating contact you are stepping out of fantasy and opening a line of communication. She may not use it, but she may and if she does, are you prepared?
We all have our fantasies. We want the alienator in jail, dead, naked pictures on billboards, fired, cheated on and hurt... We want our MLCer miserable when not with us, in jail, hurting, icy-hot in his briefs... We fantasize about hearing remorseful apologies; but such things are beyond our control. And we fantasize about having our say. Who has not wanted to give either or both the MLCer and alienator a piece of their minds?
By contacting the alienator you abdicate your power. Sure, it works out sometimes--but not usually. It is often an act of desperation. You are giving this faceless woman your power. She's not worth that energy. But if this urge to contact does not go away and it is a barrier to your own progress, you need to find an outlet for your need to communicate.
The alienator is an affair down, but how or why? I am not saying the alienator is inferior, less of a person or that you are morally superior--you aren't perfect either. Some people who attract MLCers do so out of their own broken desperation. Some enter a relationship already at a disadvantage of emotional instability--such as those with personality disorders. But this is not the case with all alienators. Innocent friendships develop into intimacy. The downfall of the alienator that makes her an affair down is not in who she is but in who or what she becomes through the act of being in an adulterous relationship.
In many situations the alienator is privy only to the MLCer's filtered version of his marriage and she fills in the pieces with her imagination: the wife has different interests, is too preoccupied to be attentive, withholds sex... But a relationship with someone who is married is a fantasy within a garden of growing doubt. The alienator imagines marriage to the MLCer, placing herself in the current wife's role when in reality her role as a new wife would be as the resented home wrecker in the eyes of family and friends. Instead of the nice house he has with his wife, he would size down to a smaller house or an apartment because of the splitting of assets, attorney's fees, child support, alimony... As the new wife she wouldn't just be the step-mother to his children; she'd get the honor of being the step-monster to hateful kids who blame her for destroying their family. When you a marry a person, you often marry his problems, but in the case of marriage to an affair partner you're relationship is the cause of the problems.
The alienator worries about her status. How does she compare to the wife? Will he choose her? If he's chosen her, will he continue to choose her? Will he cheat on her like he cheated with her? She may become paranoid. She resents sneaking around and longs for a public relationship; she secretly hopes his wife will find out. Then, when she gets what she asked for, the dynamics of the relationship change; the fantasy distorts like a funhouse mirror as the MLCer cycles between his wife and her or as he withdraws from his wife to be with her and yet becomes increasingly agitated and depressed when he should be feeling relief that they can finally stop sneaking around and have a real relationship.
I say that MLCers affair down not because they choose alienators who are already desperate--though this is true of some alienators--but because the circumstances of being the other woman cause a person to lower herself, creating the affair down.
Most alienators know exactly what they are doing and are prepared to avoid any form of treatment in order to continue doing what they are doing. This is because they feel totally justified in their action of seeking to destroy any possible relationship between a child in their care and the targeted parent. Normally, in order to reduce the resistance of an alienator and to get them to participate in therapy, there must be a Court resolution and pressure by the Judge that parental alienation syndrome or programming must be eliminated.
With this kind of attitude, treatment involving a change in attitude seems far from simple. It is however, important to repair step by step this tragical destructive interaction by a means of convincing the alienator that there is much to be gained by co-operating with the therapist and by accepting the irrationality of their demeanour. This needs to be emphasised as being so for two main reasons:
The treatment will initially have to be played by ear. It is vital to win the confidence of the alienator. It must be stressed, that one is concerned with the resident parent, that is the alienator, as much as with the target parent. It is important to listen carefully, sensitively to the grievances of the alienator and to sympathise with their feelings of hurt, anger and having been betrayed in some cases. It is similar to when one is involved in a hostage situation. One must develop a positive relationship with the hostage taker.
The alienated parent, must also be prepared in how best to deal with the initial likely difficulties of having contact with the child that has hitherto been adversely programmed and hence inimical to the targeted parent. If possible, there may be a need to establish positive and workable ways whereby some communication takes place between the alienator and the targeted parent.
Success in reducing the acrimony inherent in the PAS situation can only be measured in degree. The success depends both on the skill of the therapist and the sincere willingness of the alienator to co-operate in the process of reducing or removing the PAS. Much again depends on the support of the Court, whether the treatment of the PAS has the desired successful outcome without such support little if anything is likely to be achieved.
It has been well established that very few Courts of Justice endorse putting pressure on the alienator to be involved in treatment to counteract the PAS. This is because Judges on the whole, consider it counter-productive, or even unlikely, that any form of treatment will be successful. Judges therefore rarely order an alleged perpetrator of PAS to participate in and benefit through therapy. The outcome of therapy in a relatively few instances when it is ordered to take place and accepted, is surprising. The table which follows indicated what can be achieved via the therapeutic intervention of just one psychologist who has for some time specialised in severe or recalcitrant cases of PAS. 2ff7e9595c
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